The Power of Being Nice

Sometimes honey gets us further than vinegar. When we find ourselves part of a workplace negotiation, whether it be with our employer or other parties to our lives, it is important to always remember:

“The best way to get what you want is to help the other side get what they want.”

This is the animating thesis of Donald Shapiro and Mark Jankowski’s book “The Power of Nice: How to Negotiate so Everyone Wins — Especially You!” It is a common trope about negotiation to believe that the art is about getting everything that you want at all costs. Our culture often glorifies people who lay all their chips on the table and through the pure weight of their personality and threatens — subtle or explicit — to take all the winnings home with them. However, in a world where we may have to negotiate with these individuals in the future, perhaps from a place where we have less power, this “winner take all” framework is ill-advised. While that ideology can make for a more entertaining Wall Street or war thriller, there are real-world consequences to that mindset.

For example, the United States is now threatening a potential trade war with China, which could benefit U.S. firms by onshoring manufacturing capacity or lead to miscalculation that harms its economy and the potential to find common ground with China in the future. As with all negotiations, personalities are involved, as the leaders of these countries have strong aspirations for their nations and the people they lead take tremendous pride in their countries as well. Being too boisterous, even though the United States may have significant leverage, could lead China to take retaliatory steps that hold us back from other important economic, environmental, and national security goals in the future.

To fully understand and articulate the power of being nice, let’s analyze three principles:

1. Always aim to WIN-win: The authors tell us to look for WIN-win deals. That is deals where we get a very large share of what we wanted and the other side gets a small win as well. This has the potential to build good-will, make you seem reasonable in future encounters, and lead to a collaborative spirit that results in benefits or concessions that we previously did not even know were on the table.

   Example: You are negotiating a salary offered by a firm that you know is having trouble filling the relevant role. You have carefully researched the market, and you know that your contract is worth $250,000 for the company and that they will offer you a salary at or near that level of compensation. At the same time, you know that you are not willing to accept a role that pays any less than $260,000 because of other offers you are able to secure. Rather than digging your feet in and saying that you will only accept a $260,000 offer or you will walk away, you should let the employer know that you understand the position they are in, want them to find the right candidate, and that you are open to finding a way to negotiate in good-faith. You may also want to vocalize other needs, such as asking if the firm is open to offering additional vacation flexibility, a stock option, or adjusting the role of another team member at the firm to serve as your deputy to make your role less intensive. Even if an agreement cannot be reached, if you are interested in a position at the firm in the future, you will be remembered as someone who was collaborative instead of “winner takes all” in negotiations. Be willing to walk away and make sure your needs are met.

2. Negotiations never truly end because people hit back: Employers as well as partner companies and the like always have ways to inflict consequences after a contract is signed. If people feel that you did not treat them fairly or that you were too aggressive, they may try to impose some type of revenge either because they feel personally aggrieved or they want to maintain their credibility or reputation among their colleagues. People also talk. You never know who business leaders are friends with, and even if you were respectful an aggressive approach can still lead to a reputational cost down the line.

   Example: The book makes the historical example of the Treaty of Versaille, imposed on Germany by France and allied powers to end World War I. The allied powers demanded that Germany, already embarrassed by defeat, pay massive reparations that ended up greatly destabilizing its economy. When Hitler rose to power, mobilizing the resulting discontent, the memory of that humiliation ran deep. In fact, when Nazi Germany overran France, Hitler insisted that his new Win-Lose deal imposed on France be signed in the same train car where the French imposed a Win-Lose deal on Germany.

   Another Example: You dig your feet in and demand that the company reimburse you $260,000. Fearing the work stoppage that failing to recruit a qualified candidate would cause, they reluctantly accept a counteroffer. However, the hiring manager is stressed from this decision. In order to make up the cost, you notice that they begin subtly giving you extra responsibilities that make your job less enjoyable and more intense. When you ask for accommodation for a project, the manager declines and treats any additional ask beyond your salary to be an insurmountable burden. Starting out the relationship on these grounds has also made the hiring manager look weak to his boss, who reprimands him for going over-budget on hiring. Eventually, these subtle conflicts distract from your quality work as the work-stoppage issue is resolved and the company considers setting you up for termination to hire a different employee for $250,000.

3. There is Confidence in Collaboration: When we take the time to listen carefully to the needs of the other party, it can demonstrate a maturity that can signal confidence. If your counterparty is themselves an experienced negotiator, they will not be fooled by bluster alone because they will know that approach may work sometimes while also blowing up other times. Someone who is able to explore alternatives gives off an ethos that they have navigated these conflicts of interest before and successfully found a middle ground that leaves both parties feeling fulfilled.

   Example: A company is considering hiring you as part of its sales team, which will require you to negotiate contracts with clients. You approach the process over compensation with an open mind, asking about alternatives, getting a sense for how the employer can feel that a contract with you has been positive for its bottomline too. As a result of your openness to alternative forms of compensation and responsibility, the company actually senses that you are even more competent than they originally thought. Through the negotiation, they make a larger concession than they otherwise would have because they appreciate your attitude.

4. Grow the Pie Instead of Fighting Over Crumbs: If we approach a conflict with only one answer in mind, we may shut off opportunities that, if we had listened, we would have actually liked more. We may also be giving ourselves tunnel vision and missing out on the big picture.

   Example: In the nineties, Major League Baseball grinded to a complete standstill because the players and their union could not come to an agreement with the owners (and vice versa). Personalities got heated, and both sides launched public relations campaigns to try to persuade the public and congress of their side. However, in the midst of the strike, the world series was canceled, leaving all parties worse off because fans were growing increasingly disinterested in the conflict. When both parties locked themselves in a Win-Lose mindset, it led to a Lose-Lose outcome.

Beyond these principles, the authors also give a few other practical matters of advice for negotiation that can be potentially quite useful in our careers.

1. Don’t respond to emotion with emotion: It can sometimes happen in negotiations that the other side can become offended or even angry about your proposals. They may try to make you feel guilty, even, for asking for what you want in any given negotiation. In these situations, express a genuine willingness to understand their frustration (and assume the best in their intentions at first) and consider asking them what type of offer in the negotiation they would not consider offensive. Remain focused on the issues, rather than letting these emotions impact your expression of needs. Similarly, some parties in a negotiation will take the opposite approach and try to flatter you or “love bomb” you because they know that most people like that confirmation. Show appreciation for compliments and stay focused on the issues in question.

2. Don’t assume that they know your weaknesses: If you find yourself in a situation where you perceive that you have less leverage in a negotiation, make sure that you do not admit or inflate these fears. After all, you have no idea whether they think that you have those weaknesses and they may be hiding weaknesses of their own. They may also assume that you have strengths that you don’t necessarily have. Another technique is to do more research or find mentors to help you have a more concrete understanding of the situation.

3. Sometimes no deal simply is the best option: If another negotiating party shows that they will not act in good faith, when the only terms they are able to accept are below the bottom line of your needs, or when you have better alternatives, feel free to respectfully withdraw and move on. If you maintain the relationship to the best of your ability, you can sometimes find another solution.

   Example: A supplier of tomato sauce to Pizza Hut made the best competitive bid that his company could offer given its high standards for quality control. Pizza Hut made it clear that he wouldn’t be accepted at the price point he provided. Rather than being offended, the sauce supplier stood his ground and respectfully moved on. He ended up finding a better deal with a Macaroni Grill, an opportunity that may have been overlooked if the company had maintained the relationship with Pizza Hut. About six weeks later, after facing a quality control issue, Pizza Hut came back and made the sauce company an even better offer. You have tremendous value. Know it. Own it. And be kind.

4. Gain valuable information by letting the other side make the first offer: While this aspect of strategy can be complicated, allowing the other side to make an offer and then showing some hesitation around it before making a counterproposal can signal strength and give you valuable information about how to reach a deal. Be careful that, in your own mind, you are not falling victim to “anchoring” however, whereby you let the initial number tamp down on your expectations of what you want. You should set your aspirations high, regardless. Consider waiting on the initial offer because it suggest to the counterparty that what they offered you is too favorable: this could lead the counterparty to try and claw back some aspects of the deal, believing that it provided you with too much from the offset. As you engage, make sure not to get too quiet but instead look for barriers you can help remove for the other party or ways to mutually increase the pie. And if you have trouble getting the other party to make the first offer, try making a tangential offer related to speed of delivery, as one example, setting a range, or telling them that you would like to “defer to their expertise.”

Being nice is not just a virtue. It's the best way to achieve common purpose with others in a messy world rife with misunderstanding.