How to Make Peace with Toxic People

Big Picture

Our society has been on a long road of social decay. Economic opportunity is becoming more and more scarce as jobs are automated, coinciding with dramatic increases in the price of everyday life: from food to housing. People are also more isolated than ever, belonging to far fewer social clubs and fraternal organizations since the 1990's.

And in all times, fruitful and desperate alike, people have been people. There have always been personalities who are anti-social. And a lot of people are perfectly nice most of the time. But when you catch them on a bad day, they can be downright disrespectful. And a lot of people, unfortunately, are having bad days in this national landscape.

So what is a person to do when they encounter toxic behavior?

Let the River Take You and Just Float

In his highly acclaimed book The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't, Dr. Robert Sutton teaches us that many people who act toxic to within a workplace or how they treat you as a customer were in-turn hired by toxic managers themselves. Hives form, and the result is that one in three Americans have experienced workplace abuse, and about two in three are aware that workplace bullying exists. According to various estimates, workplace misconduct such as bullying cost the American economy between $20 billion to $60 billion annually in lost productivity.

Beyond the workplace, there is a shocking number of people who will harass others in traffic, purposively gossip about people in social circles, or deny you basic dignity. As just one example, our nonprofit has had to deal with several companies that simply don't fulfill their fair end of a contract (who hasn't?) And these companies, often larger conglomerates but not always, know that most people do not have the financial means or fight them in court.

And to be honest, in most cases, the answer is to just float.

Leave the situation or let it occupy your mind as little as possible, and let the river of life take you as you gently push away from the rocks that block your journey. This visual metaphor is a powerful one. If you simply let go, you can focus your energy on what you most love and your personal well-being.

Oppressive and anti-social personalities do not believe in fairness, and there is simply nothing that you can ever do as a person to get them to adopt your values. By placing your focus on the people who do care about you and the spaces that energize you, you are denying these people the attention that they are often so desperate for.

Float rather than react.

Don't Become Them

Dr. Sutton states that, beyond quitting their jobs or slacking, some employees that face abusive behavior end up becoming toxic themselves. We are monkey-see, monkey-do, so if we spend too much time around people who are toxic it can be difficult to not seek ways to release that angst on others, even involuntarily.

One mental technique that is highly effective is to exercise empathy.

That person driving like a jerk. That person who would not give you a refund. That person who stole your cellphone. The person who fired you because they are jealous of you. All matter of toxic people are often just products of their environment, whether it be similar treatment from their parents or peers growing up. Also, while hard to fathom, there are also people who have been raised right, treated with respect and love, and still act toxic.

In any case, if we exercise empathy for that person in our minds then we become open to the possibility that not all people are bad all the time. We will never know what is truly going through those people's heads. But by accepting them, truly wishing them well even when they do us wrong, we are exuding an energy to the world that will often attract better people.

Let's have a concrete example. You leave a job because of a toxic colleague. But at the next job, after practicing universal empathy, you don't treat your new colleagues with skepticism or reservation. You still guard yourself professionally and set boundaries, as you should. But you don't let one person's toxic behavior get projected onto others.

Practice Self-Love and Being the Best Version of You

Everyone has bad days and makes mistakes. Dr. Sutton distinguishes between “temporary assholes” and “certified assholes” for this reason, calling on leaders to show grace for one-off or very rare behaviors that are toxic. At the same, we need to exercise careful discretion in deciding whether we, ourselves, are assholes or have toxic behaviors. For example, ask yourself the following:

• Have you insulted a colleague or applied power unequally to someone who is less powerful than you in the organization?

• Do people approach you socially and openly with ideas?

• Is there someone in your life you can appropriately ask “Do I come off as rude sometimes”?

If any of these behaviors do apply to you, practice putting yourself or imaging scenarios from the other person’s perspective. How might your comments have come off to them if they are not inside your head and do not understand your intentions? It is not easy to take responsibility for being an asshole. But it is important to own your actions so that you can do better in the future.

Research also consistently shows that if you practice a potential scenario in your mind before it happens it can improve your self-control in that scenario when it happens in the real-world. It's like an imaginary practice round that works.

So let's say that you can reasonably infer that your mother-in-law is going to throw unfair shade at you at a family get-together or that a customer is going to ask you something annoying during rush hour. Manifest how the best version of you would react. See yourself maintaining your calm. Envision yourself rising to the moment, as you know you are capable. Walk through dialogue. And once you have given it some thought, let your instincts and practice take over.

Conclusion

Toxic people are the worst. They tear apart teams. They destroy friend groups. They make life more stressful. And they can inflict deep traumas that, without careful focus and care, can be carried to our personal lives. Guard yourself from these individuals by recognizing how they proliferate at organizations, holding them accountable if you’re in a position of leadership, and floating down the river to protect yourself if you cannot avoid them all together.

Most importantly practice the skill of letting their nonsense go, so you can practice being the best version of you.